I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
