im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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