does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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