i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
