i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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