people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
MIDGETS
????
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
