i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She just used a chaser for red wine.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
