There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
