tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
