i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
