she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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