thus making me awesome and them whores
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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