i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
