Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
