he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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