If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
