I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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