Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
