apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
you had me at cake vodka
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
