How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
