My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
