dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
