I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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