you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
