I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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