I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
