Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize