I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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