I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
