2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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