I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
