I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
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Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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