First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
