So gin and wine won't be happening again
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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