You can't special order awesome
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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