Just fell off a train. Bad.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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