Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
