I faked an abortion last night.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
