Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
