first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
wow bdsm is so cute
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
