If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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