The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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