I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
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