It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
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I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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