dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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