Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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