Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
