So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
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In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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