My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.