i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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