I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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