even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
