Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
