drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
