Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.